i have started begging a lot off lately…

LonelyNight i have started begging a lot off lately…begging out of my own possessiveness…out of my desire…out of compulsion of my own emotions…begging to make myself wanted? at times i even beg helplessly…begging for something which i know i will never get?


i feel stuck…and i cry helplessly…i feel lonely…sometimes coil inside myself…wanting to speak, wanting to pour my heart out to you… but most often don’t have the right words… wanting you to understand mee, understand my silence when i fall short of words…. wanting to hold your hand, which i know will never be mine…wanting to reach out but there is only emptiness all around…

i wonder where do such thoughts come from? why do i keep thinking about you…?i picked up my phone feeling very lonely again…craving to hear your voice once…there are hundreds of other names in the contact list…but all i wanted to do was speak to you..i browsed through my call list…once, twice, thrice…tirelessly i read every name that appeared…there were about 217 odd texts that filled my inbox…all from you…you dominate my world…you constitute to everything my world possess…

at times i would lock myself in an empty room and want to scream…when i stand in front of the mirror after crying much, the mirror reflects my helpless insanity…i lay on the floor for hours making it wet with unreasonable tears…and then when i rise everything around mee looks blur…thus my day ends…almost everyday before i finally fall sleep….

these days i feel lonely deep within…i feel blank…there’s a strange kind of emptiness inside..and its kind of stubborn like me…i don’t know…have i lost something? My narcissism is getting hold of me again…

its almost evening…i looked outside the window…pale twilight sneaking into my room giving an alarm to close the window panes in order to avoid mosquitoes…Dylan keeps singing…My bed neatly done…pages of a half-read book aimlessly flutters…The mirror with wooden frames reflects the last rays of sunset…The grey shadows kiss the dark walls…and i miss you more…truly…

The air had a strange fragrance…it smelled of evening and it reminded mee of your perfume…crisp air, rusty street lights and a cold evening will drape the city soon…

 

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5 thoughts on “i have started begging a lot off lately…

  1. I can’t speak to your sentiments, but I like how you portray your feelings. The turmoil appears to be all hidden, only exposed when you are alone in your room, and only to yourself in the mirror. Do you speak as well as you write? Perhaps not, as you struggle to be understood, and give voice to frustration when you are not.

    Hope things work out OK.

    • I dont consider myself to be any good as a writer…these are just my musings that i scribble from time to time… 🙂

      • Actually, I think you are quite good as a writer, but that was not my main point. I was curious about whether you are able to express yourself as freely or vividly in person.

        Keep up your blog. It is refreshing to read something different.

      • hi ramesh,

        it feels good when someone finds my scribling a good piece of read…i try to better every time i blog…and finally when i post i aint satisfied…i pick it up from there again and keep trying…well, i talk much more than this…am known for talking non-sense all the time… but such musings are mostly revealed when i write…prefer not to sound so melodramatic when i talk… friends often say i have dual personality…i sound different when i talk than when i write… 🙂

        thanks for all the kind words…these are very motivating

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