It is my 30th birthday. Everyone seems to have come to terms with the fact that dad is no more. Except mee and maa. We seem not to let lose the memories of him.
He left us quite abruptly. I know many would disagree. In fact I have heard many saying words of sympathies and drawing a conclusion that this was about to happen. Well, may be this was. He wasn’t made to fight with cancer for long. It was a fight of only 12 days before he died of cardiac arrest. We were unprepared. But then again, is there anyone ever prepared to face death?
Everyone who knows me said I handled it so well. Received countless praises for doing something I should have done. Was this so unnatural that people eulogized mee so much? I still don’t understand if there was any set criteria for this that I had met rightly. Maa and I are still living, putting up a smiling happy face to everyone. They just don’t know the whirlpool of emptiness inside us.
To the wounds of death and to its pain everything else seems secondary. It was much like what cancer did to dad. Days pass, people come and go, I keep going with the flow of life. But the wound never dies. It remains there, unaffected, as a part of our very survival. The funny part is that we were just not prepared for this. I never thought he would have to leave so abruptly. It’s strange. But that’s the reality, the truth of my life. I still haven’t come in terms with the reality that he is no more. He has left us forever, he will never return to keep his hand on my head, to bring mee goodies. The arrogant heart refuses to accept the harsh truth.
This is perhaps what innocent love of a daughter means. She believes that her father is never to die, he is an immortal being. She believes that her mother can bear all the sufferings and live on with a smile. Sometimes the innocence and ignorance helps you a lot. It keeps me going. It makes mee feel, dad is still out there in Guwahati. It’s a wonderful feeling at moments of loss.
It’s my 30th birthday today. Dad never wanted to get me married before I was 30, before I had a successful career, before I was in a position to support a whole family. I am not any better now than what I was when I began my career. The only thing that I have gained through these 5 and half years of professional life is some great companies. I am thankful to god for giving mee such wonderful friends, who I know are the most indispensable part of my life today. Dad must be happy somewhere to see his daughter giving this tough situation a good fight.
I move towards the window, leaving dad’s thoughts suspended in the air. They keep floating in every corner of my room all the time. Perhaps a daughter can only bear so much of thoughts in her heart and yet live on.
Happy birthday to mee, Dad. Do you see that smile on my face? It’s not fake.