happy birthday to mee, Dad

It is my 30th birthday. Everyone seems to have come to terms with the fact that dad is no more. Except mee and maa. We seem not to let lose the memories of him.

He left us quite abruptly. I know many would disagree. In fact I have heard many saying words of sympathies and drawing a conclusion that this was about to happen. Well, may be this was. He wasn’t made to fight with cancer for long. It was a fight of only 12 days before he died of cardiac arrest. We were unprepared. But then again, is there anyone ever prepared to face death?

Everyone who knows me said I handled it so well. Received countless praises for doing something I should have done. Was this so unnatural that people eulogized mee so much? I still don’t understand if there was any set criteria for this that I had met rightly. Maa and I are still living, putting up a smiling happy face to everyone. They just don’t know the whirlpool of emptiness inside us.

To the wounds of death and to its pain everything else seems secondary. It was much like what cancer did to dad. Days pass, people come and go, I keep going with the flow of life. But the wound never dies. It remains there, unaffected, as a part of our very survival. The funny part is that we were just not prepared for this. I never thought he would have to leave so abruptly. It’s strange. But that’s the reality, the truth of my life. I still haven’t come in terms with the reality that he is no more. He has left us forever, he will never return to keep his hand on my head, to bring mee goodies. The arrogant heart refuses to accept the harsh truth.

This is perhaps what innocent love of a daughter means. She believes that her father is never to die, he is an immortal being. She believes that her mother can bear all the sufferings and live on with a smile. Sometimes the innocence and ignorance helps you a lot. It keeps me going. It makes mee feel, dad is still out there in Guwahati. It’s a wonderful feeling at moments of loss.

It’s my 30th birthday today. Dad never wanted to get me married before I was 30, before I had a successful career, before I was in a position to support a whole family. I am not any better now than what I was when I began my career. The only thing that I have gained through these 5 and half years of professional life is some great companies. I am thankful to god for giving mee such wonderful friends, who I know are the most indispensable part of my life today. Dad must be happy somewhere to see his daughter giving this tough situation a good fight.

I move towards the window, leaving dad’s thoughts suspended in the air. They keep floating in every corner of my room all the time. Perhaps a daughter can only bear so much of thoughts in her heart and yet live on.

Happy birthday to mee, Dad. Do you see that smile on my face? It’s not fake.


5 thoughts on “happy birthday to mee, Dad

  1. Sumana.. what do i say abt this…An absolute tear jerker.. And with this I realize how unaware are we of the unexpected turns life takes… How so obvious.. so “for granted” we feel about the near and dear ones that are around us, but never take a minute to be with them or call them for a surprise…
    A very happy Birthday to up my dear friend and a Salute to the brave girl I see in you!

  2. Human beings part, memories part not! Such is life!
    Your father is most certainly proud today, blessing you from his heavenly abode, smiling at the fact that his daughter is 30, young and mature at the same time, hard enough to fight the world and soft enough to shed a tear for him. What more can a father ask from his daughter, than remembrance every moment, more so on her Birthday!!

  3. Touching, and yet uplifting tale.

    You are right to ask the question as to whether we are really prepared for the death of a loved one. There is no real way to say goodbye in my mind, and yet the unexpected passing away of a loved one can be unbearable. The grief must pass on however, and we must live in the present. Memories are undying, but they must be happy ones.

    Happy birthday.

  4. First of all, Happy birthday!
    Though you do not seem too happy at the moment.
    I do not presume to understand fully how you feel but I assure you, the pain of losing someone as close is always immense, but life never stops giving us new people to love. With people who are lucky to have the love of others, on an occasion as happy as this, you should celebrate, live, and then live some more. Your father would have wanted no less of his daughter, on her standing on the verge of yet another phase in her life.

    P.S. Everyone dies, yet no one ever anticipates it. Very natural. Part of what makes us human.

  5. I can never really comprehend the loss that you have gone through, like they say, u don’t feel unless u have been through it. But, yes, being younger to u, i’d always look up to ur ‘never say die’ spirit. My best friend lost his dad recently, and through this post, may be to some extent I can feel his pain that he keeps hiding from us. Best wishes as Daddy’s girl turns 30. Ur dad must be really proud that YOU are his daughter!!!

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