Why does it all have to be so ‘lifeless’? And make sense only when looked back upon every time? Why can’t I keep a track of my changing life? Or see and accept as it is changing? The "phases" of my life…Why can’t I differentiate one phase from the other while I am living in them? I guess that’s why I need friends…true friends as well as general friends…so that I have an outsider who would keep telling mee constantly, "oh, it’s just a phase…” or "awww…this is love!" or "don’t worry, you will move on!" or "honey, there is something better in store for you…" or “everything will regain its shape back again”…or “huny u never deserved that bugger…its good for u that he is gone…” or “sooner or later he too will fall for you…”
Jesus! Spare mee… am I just conditioned to wait? Just wait. Wait for things to happen. Wait for the better or may be the best to come my way…as I have always been told “don’t try to make things happen…let it happen…” Wait till I am old enough. Wait to reach that adult stage of mind…Like Right now; I know what a kid I am. How scared I get at the mere thought of losing my dear ones. How "wandering" and directionless I am and how lazy I am….totally in a limbo…I see that myself every moment and yet I don’t see a way out of here…a vicious circle… How does one grow up? And how shall I grow up? Is there a ladder I can climb? I have never found myself in a hurry to grow up…never really felt the need to…never really craved for it…really, never wanted to go to a disc when I was fourteen, never was in a hurry to have a boyfriend (ahem….debatable though), never in a hurry to do "it", never was in a hurry to watch movies with friends…or go on shopping…never was in a hurry to realize that I am a girl and that I am a grown up girl…
But today I sit here scribbling on my blog…fingers racing through my keyboard…and my god, after having received so many opportunities in life to really grow up; I still am such a kid. And here’s the most childish part, I held responsible for my actions. I still don’t want to take the call. I want to behave like a kid and say at the end of every slip-up, "hey, I am sorry…"Not knowing what I have done… I am sorry yet another time….
But did I really want to see myself as this after three years of college and two years of university? And having spent quite an eventful year at the film school? Or maybe it’s just "institutionalization" that has made mee to think like this…see there I go again…putting the whole blame game on the system. Everything around mee would still keep changing as they wish to…no matter how much I hate or love it…no matter how rebellious I get… Really, am I so insignificant in this world….”MAAYA” as they say…things will just keep "happening" to me all my life as I will "wait" for them to happen!
someday very soon I wish I will grow up…or still remain a kid… I am not yet done living in such "ignorance". Perhaps I am made for that purpose. To just Be…
Sumana Chakraborty 
“Right from the heart” – post. In fact many a people have this “When will time come for me?” issue. But believe me, it will come when it has to come. We don’t understand the importance of time in our day to day life. Things happen at some time because they are supposed to happen. Even a small thing.
A professor from BARC once gave lecture in our college, he said “even a stone lying on the road is not without a reason. A time will come and it will tell it’s importance”.
Of course we can’t be lying around like a stone and do nothing. But then trying is in our hands, success is something that is bestowed upon. Wait is a part of life. For some it’s small, for some it’s long. (I know I too sulk at this waiting game a lot of times, but while telling others I understand I was a bit over reacting).
Now with you being a kid. I guess that’s perfectly fine. In fact most of the problems arise because we don’t have that kid in ourselves. Just be yourself and think rationally. I know, as a human being, we are bound to be judgmental and greedy at times. We want things to work our way. Pretty obvious, but at the next moment, put yourself out of your body, as a third person, and think again 🙂
I know you are way matured than what I have said here. But still couldn’t keep myself from writing this comment. (Maybe almost equal to the original post) 😛
I guess, such thoughts come with growing up. You, indeed, have grown up and hence the introspection about your nature and your behaviour. No kid would have penned such a post.
Sometimes, it is good to have a laid back approach. It is good to wait for things to happen but at the same time, it is also important to know which things one should make happen.
Don’t think so much. Be at ease with yourself. Accept the way you are, and the world will accept you likewise as well 🙂
I feel for you, I have always felt like that so many times. A friend once told me to not wait for things just make them happen, so I am giving you those words today, make things happen but do not think you are insignificant, you just need to find out your talent and true goals in life.
What you are going through is the very antithesis of what you call “lifeless”. Change both infinitesimal and quantum, mostly going forward in time with occasional regression to the past. That is not something you can necessarily plan that much or even stay on top; you are not a passive observer, but the protagonist in this play, this drama. So, to go through the ups and downs of life as you seem to do, is to live it.
I’m not sure what you mean by the adult stage of life; I think the conventional definition of adulthood refers more to the one’s reaction to the vicissitudes of life rather than any discrete stage. I know 15 year olds who are more adult, and whose advice I would heed than 30 year olds, In the final reckoning, I think that “growing up”, in the good sense of the word has to do with knowing one’s self and being comfortable with that person, and doing that then renders moot the question of where am I going, when will I reach there, and when will I do (insert milestone of choice).
Good luck sorting stuff out.
PS. On preview, I echo Sohini’s sentiments above.